A Christmas Poem by my Grandmother

A Christmas Meditation by Patricia Brooks

No lights twinkled merrily there,
On God's great Christmas tree,
As thick, damp, dark,
A noonday shroud enveloped Calvary.
No glittering ornaments danced
Through a showering tinsel flood,
When sin's file weight crushed God's own son,
As He paid its price: His blood.

No angel or star crowned the wood where hung this One few choose,
But man's last jeer, a sign that read: "This is Jesus, the King of the Jews."
No carols were sung on that day; men spat at Him, unconcerned,
And gambled there, as the Lamb of God bore the hell their lives had earned.

How little we all seem to care, as in His name, we sing
Of manger scenes, and wise men, droll, when God gave us The King!
A king with a crown of thorns, who died in agony, shame,
A criminal death, who knew no sin, this king is the One we name!

He cried on the cross, "It is finished!" Salvation paid in full!
Now Adam's kind has been bought back by Him who made us all.
But death could never hold Him, and when He rose again,
All who knew Him saw him there, alive forever, then!

How far from the manger to Calv'ry have we in our hearts, trod?
From Bethlehem, there's one short step to Golgotha, with our God!
Has your heart ever been a Bethlehem? Has Christ been born in you?
"For God so loved, He gave His Son," and what, with Him, will you do?

Oh what will you do with Jesus?
Will ears be deaf, mouth dumb?
As His voice thunders down through the ages,
"Whoever will may come!"

The Epic Everyday

I gave a speech at my high school graduation ceremony in 2007 that began like this:

"I want to save the world. I want to be a hero. I want a life like those in the movies and fairy tale stories. I want to be swept up into grand adventures  daring sword fights  and breathtaking landscapes. I crave the passionate pursuit, the magnificent journey, and the victorious conclusion."

I was very dramatic in the delivery of the speech. It is actually quite embarrassing how much so. But that isn't the point: the point is that I craved adventure then, and I crave it now. But I've realized that the life I articulated in my speech is one that I am having even now. Minus the sword fights.

I went on in my speech to say that life with Jesus at the center is by definition adventurous. The difference between real life, and fairy tale life is that we don't see the unglamorous,boring parts of the journey in the movies. And thus we doubt that life can be magical.

I've been told I am a hopeless romantic and an idealist. I think life has tamed me quite a bit, but I'm happy to say that I have not relinquished faith in true life happily ever afters...and everything in between. Truly, there are not always happily ever afters unless you know True Love in Jesus.

But I'm talking about the little things here...hair blowing in the wind, dressing up for no reason, being bold and daring when no one is watching, singing to the birds, smiling at strangers, and driving on back roads like you're in a car chase scene.

Why can't we live like we ARE in the movies? Add a little drama and flavor? Not the soap opera kind....the Disney kind. The “if my life were a reality show, everyone would watch it” kind. Again, not the Jersey Shone kind.

One of my best friends loves to remind me to “live free”. To live bold and daring and risky. This friend and I were talking recently about the transitory nature of life, and how we would live if we only had 10 more years on earth. I was startled to find that my “plans” would drastically change. I wouldn't pursue the American Dream if I only had 10 more years. I would pursue people. I would pursue travel. I would dance every chance I got and wear high heels a lot more often. I would never hesitate to tell someone how much I loved them. I would be generous with praise and compliments. I would only say no if it was wrong. I would ask a boy out without fear of being forward. I would sing on a street corner for money. I would pray bolder prayers. I would buy a nice camera to document everything.

I would probably spend less on movies, because I would be living in one. I would spend more time listening to people's stories. I would worry less about what people thought of me. I would spend less time thinking about things I can't control. I would spend less time doubting God, and more time expecting His miracles.

So what am I waiting for?

Well, life happens. I suddenly find myself in the sort of story I did not intend, and of which I am not the author. Now what? What's next for the lost heroine?

If my life were a story, if would have been a good one. In 23 years I have done much, seen much, experienced much. I have been the heroine, and I have been the foe. I have been pursued, and I have been lonely. I have had much, and I have had little. In short, I am living my own version of a fairy tale. The ingredient that makes those stories so heart-warming is when the hero overcomes the odds. When the heroine forgives much. When broken hearts are mended. When love triumphs. Its because of the hard, ugly stuff that all the beauty appears perfect.

My life has had a lot of ugly and hard stuff, just like everyone's. But even in the midst of it, I still imagine that I'm still in my fairy tale.

I have a soundtrack playing music in my head as if I were in a movie. Maybe you are like me, and certain songs trigger memories or emotions. Whenever I made the drive from Chicago to NC, I heard the epic music from Braveheart playing as I got my first glimpse of home. When I go on a run, I imagine myself as the lead character of a workout video and the music pumps me up to the challenge. When I get on the road, I think of nostalgic songs of goings and comings. Its why I love holiday music. Emotions for me run through the current of music. Through music I view my world, and it is a magical one.

Don't be afraid to look stupid while you pursue your own fairy tale life. Embrace the ugly. Respect the beautiful. Live life as if you are the lead character in the greatest story ever told. Ride bareback wearing a long flowy dress, and listen to the sweeping orchestral masterpiece that accompanies you. Don't live for the happily ever after. Live for the Once Upon a Time...the beginnings. The in-betweens. And when they aren't as magical as you'd like, do something, anything, to make them more so. Even if it means singing to the forest animals. View yourself through a camera lens instead of a microscope. There is beauty to be found and experienced. He created it for you to enjoy, even during trials.

So today, turn on some music and dance around the house. Smile at your thoughts. Laugh because you can. Praise Him for what he has done and what He IS doing, and what He PLANS to do in you. There is greatness to be had.

Fairy tales are lived in the epic everyday.  

Books and a List

If you ask anyone who knows me they will tell you I love to get lost in a good book. I literally get lost- I leave reality until the book is finished, only to re-enter and live in a brief post-book depression. Maybe you are an avid reader and can relate. What is ironic is that there are few books besides a good fiction novel that hold my attention. Now I don't know if it was me graduating college and suddenly being able to read whatever I wanted, or if it was the lack of constant information influx that I received in college thus producing a void, but I suddenly read many books besides fiction. And whats more, I am on track to finishing them. This is a rare and impressive feat for me. Give me a 600 page novel, and I'll finish it within the week. Give me a 200 page Christian self-help, I might make it to page 50, and then it joins my bookshelf delinquents.  Not so, recently!

I've been reading The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson. Its an incredibly challenging and insightful book on prayer, and what a bold life of faith-drenched prayer looks like. I also just started reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, and no book has hit so close to home as this one. I'm still in the first half of the book, but its fascinating. She tells about her journey from a life of wanting to a life filled with one thousand gifts, and how all that changed was how she viewed thanksgiving, and grace, and the Giver himself. Its exactly what I need to be reading right now. Basically she was dared to write down one thousand things that she was thankful for every day. Now to accomplish that I would need some major discipline. But she talks about how it altered her entire life because her focus was on the gifts, and the Giver instead of the lack or the void.

So today, here's my list.

Today I am thankful for

1. Cereal and vanilla rice milk
2. Waking up to the sun
3. The weird but cool dream from last night
4. Breeze in the trees outside the window
5. the Holy scriptures
6. Bennet and Archer being excited to see me
7. Sadie's morning baby smell
8. little voices talking gibberish to me
9. Baby clothes
10. Friendly park moms
11. Homemade zucchini bread
12. The boys eating (and liking ) my homemade zucchini bread
13. Sadie's smile whenever she sees me
14. Bennet's rare cuddle-mood
15. Archer just wanting to lay in my arms while everyone else naps
16. Talking to Leslie on the phone
17. Hearing that I have a place to stay a little longer
18. Tweets about the Olympics
19. My camelback water bottle
20. the boys waking up happy from naps
21.  Healthy, happy kids
22. Backyard baby pool splashing
23. Chicken salad
24. Sunglasses
25. Baby fingers poking my eyes, nose ring, ears
26. Curiosity, eagerness to learn
27. My mom's children's ministry background
28. 5:00 pm
29. Independence
30. My (Lisa's) mini fridge with a cold drink after work
31. Afternoon sun on the futon
32. Good movies (Transformers)
33. Blueberries
34. Danielle planning our hike
35. Laced sneakers
36. Ipod
37. The tension leaving my body as I run
38. Perfect running weather
39. The prairie path
40. New running shorts swooshing
41. Seeing Kate Z
42. Water over my hot skin
43. Mary Kay products
44. The bath robe Coach E gave me 6 years ago
45. my computer screen
46. Good people
47. Sore feet
48. My phone
49. Yellow nail polish
50. Another day for thankfulness

Pop tarts, and a slap in the face

We take a lot of things for granted in America. Obviously with our Independence Day being celebrated we are all aware of the sacrifices made to pay the price of our freedom. There's a lot of sacrifice that is required to reach a goal, if that goal is anything worth striving for. Taking things for granted in the midst of great sacrifice deserves a slap in the face. But we need that slap. I needed that slap.


I got that slap these last few weeks. It came hard and loud and left a nice red mark that has developed into a somewhat annoyingly repulsive bruise (hypothetically speaking). I took the main American comforts of life for granted, and they have all been removed from my disposal at certain times over the past few weeks. I won't go into the details, but things like good cars, A/C, wireless internet, a kitchen to cook in, and a bathroom to use are all luxury to me now. My bank account was severely depleted after a period of time unemployed, and I have found myself living a much simpler life than of even a month ago.
For example, on my return to Wheaton June 24th, I had no way to keep perishable food in my room. Therefore I bought a box of Pop Tarts at the Dollar Store to be my breakfast for the week. I made it last as I found myself learning life without the usual comforts. I don't particularly like Pop Tarts, but it was really all I had. To be blunt, the course of my life of late has taken some interesting turns and I find myself on the wanting side. I have found myself (character) wanting in many areas, even as I have found my situation wanting. 


I was reminded of a saying that has never been more true in my life. It goes "Never complain. Things can always get worse." And I found this to be quite true. After a difficult week trying to process my life and the course it is on, a huge storm ravaged all of my county, leaving over a quarter of a million people without power for over 3 days. (I and the family I live with are still currently without power on this day 4). It seemed things only got worse. However, I have found something to be even truer than all of this.

Philippians 4:11-13

 ... for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹² I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

I read that a few days ago and it was like the Holy Spirit gently, but firmly, slapped me across the face. And I deserved it. Here I was reading Paul tell people in Philippi all about his trials, and then go on to say that. Read it again:

Philippians 4:11-13

 ... for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹² I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Just two chapters earlier in Philippians 2, we read this:

¹² Therefore...continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, ¹³ for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.

¹⁴ Do everything without grumbling or complaining, ¹⁵ so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.”^[c] Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky ¹⁶ as you hold firmly to the word of life.

So even as I battle discouragement physically, spiritually, financially, emotionally and mentally, I am reminded of these verses and the veracity therein. I pray that my life may be a battle standard of these verses. That I will wave my contentment and gratitude high and learn that I should not complain. And I hope you learn the same, even if it means you have to go without the comforts you are used to and sacrifice a little more than you would prefer.  Because even when things seem really bad, we can do all things through Him who gives us strength....and a healthy slap...and pop tarts.

The How-To and How-I-Do of Friendship

I have had some requests for this entry. I've let the idea marinate for a while so I could collect thoughts and delicately translate them into something you could understand.

A few disclaimers:

1. I am not a perfect friend. Any of my friends will tell you that. So when you read this, remember that I am speaking from experiences that have been both triumphs and a failures.

2. I have a lot of friends. I have friends that are talented and cool and beautiful and smart and courageous and humble. I have some friends that aren't those things. But their awesomeness does not carry the biggest weight in the success of the relationship. Really, it doesn't matter what your friends are like (to an extent). You cannot control them, so this "tutorial" on friendship will focus on what you can control: yourself. YOU determine the success of your relationships.

3. I learned how to be a friend through trial and error, through a sensative and intuitive mind, by my Dad's advice, and by watching my mom. I have had wonderful and horrible relationship experiences. I have learned to read and understand people no matter who they are. I listened to my dad's advice and learned it's significant value. I learned by watching my mom smoothly navigate her way through selfish, obnoxious people with a finesse I recognized as unique even when I was little.

I will relay my advice via what I believe has been a plumbline in my relational world. The Bible. Yes yes a bit cliche sounding, I know. But once you align yourself with the living Word of God, no human self-help advice quite measures up.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

*I understand that you may not consider the word "love" as appropriate or accurate in a description of all of your friendships. I, however, do not consider there to be any other option of defintion*

• Love is patient. Here was my dad's sage advice:

 "Always ask people questions about themselves. No matter how great you are, people only want to hear about themlseves. So ask them questions, and then listen. Everyone has a story."

Be willing to listen. People will talk if you let them. And you will learn who they are. Be interested in knowing them. There is truth in the saying "To be known is to be loved." Or as we say at Wheaton College, "Identity preceeds intimacy."

• Love is kind. Be considerate and take initiative. Don't wait for someone else to make the first move/text/smile/greeting. You may find that the only thing keeping you from taking the first step is lack of courage. Don't ever let fear dictate how you do relationships. Fear= False Evidence Appears Real.  Write notes to people- they mean a lot when you tell someone you are thinking about them. Even if you don't have much to say, something always goes a long way.

• Love is humble. Grace is probably the most necessary ingredient in any long-lasting relationship. Don't let your pride keep you from maintaining quality in your life. You'll just look like an insecure loser. And when you let humility rule your heart you can spot false security and cocky idiots from a mile away, and then avert yourself.

• Love is not rude. Guard your tongue fiercely. This is where I struggle. Oh the Bible verses I could list on the tongue...actually, here are a few:

Psalm 12:2-4 "Everyone lies to their neighbor;
they flatter with their lips
but harbor deception in their hearts.

³ May the Lord silence all flattering lips
and every boastful tongue—
⁴ those who say,
“By our tongues we will prevail;
our own lips will defend us—who is lord over us?”

Psalm 34:12-13 "Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,
¹³ keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from telling lies.
¹⁴ Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it. "

• Love is not self-seeking. Guess what? Its not all about you. Actually, if you want to be a truly good friend, only about 25% of the time can be about you. Yes there's the necessary give and take of any relationship, but you have to be willing to give more of yourself. Otherwise, not matter what the percentages end up being at the end of the day, you can be confident your motives were genuine and (hopefully) selfless. Sometimes you're going to take a friend to the airport at ungodly hours. Maybe you will be the one who gets the late-night phone calls that wake you up. Perhaps you're the friend who is always reliable, so you're the one they go to in their desperate moments. Sometimes you will want to talk about yourself and your issues, but they dominate the conversation. Remember: love is not selfish. If you are feeling empty of grace and love for your friends, go to the source. Go sit at Jesus' feet for a while. Let him fill you up, instead of relying on people to. Then you will be able to keep on giving "without growing weary."

• Love is not easily angered. Again, grace. Don't be quick to take offense. Here is another one of my weaknesses. I get upset and hurt when people don't meet my expectations, but my expectations are often too unrealistic for them. I impose my own standards on others, and often find myself disappointed and frustrated when they are not met. However, confrontation is a huge tool for dissolving conflict and handling issues of feelings. It must be handled delicately: with prayer, gentleness and love, and what I call the "cushion effect" (sandwhich the bad stuff with good stuff on either side> i.e. You are so important to me, but I was really hurt when you did not call me about that thing, and I need to know where you are coming from because I value this relationship more than I hate confrontation :) ha).  See Ephesians 4:14-16

• Love keeps no records of wrongs. Forgive. Move on. If you find this hard to do, the issue is probably not so much with the other person, but with yourself and your own heart. It is probably something you need to get right before God.

• Love does not delight in evil. Be known for your fairness and peace-making skills. Romans 12:14-16 " Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. ¹⁵ Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. ¹⁶ Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.^[a] Do not be conceited."

• Love always protects. Be fiercely loyal, even if they are not to you. Again, all of this is focusing on your end of the relationship. Never let people have the opportunity to slander you by giving them a reason to be able to do it. If you want to be above reproach, don't give people a reason to consider any other possibility. Let them know they can trust you, and guard that trust. Also, be available to people when they need you. Set healthy boundaries, but make sure they know that when you are loyal, you can be so to a fault.

• Love always trusts. Not people. Only God. See Proverbs 3:5-6

• Love always hopes. Don't give up on a person. Life may take you down separate paths, and there may come a time when it is healthier for you to distance yourself with boundaries, but you should never lose hope for them. Pray for them. Surrender it to your King. You can still love them from a distance.

• Love always perseveres. Learn how to make healthy boundaries, abide by them, and know when to stop trying so hard. Some things don't have to happen. Relinquish control. But I'm speaking in a strictly friendship-sense. In terms of a marraige- don't ever give up.

• Love never fails. Love is not synonymous with friendship, though I have created such a parallel in this entry. Friendship does fail, like everything in our world. But it is just another one of those things that is meant to send you to your knees in front of the Cross to recongize your inability to be perfect. God is love. And God never fails.

1 John 4:7-9

 "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. ⁸ Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. ⁹ This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him."

Lies people told me

I have been thinking lately of the myths that so many people believe or have been told, myself included.

I am debunking some of these here.


1.
Myth: "Follow your heart" is horrible advice. DONT follow your heart. First of all, thats where your emotions come from. And unfortunately your emotions are not reliable, simply expressive. They are not rational. Jeremiah 17:9 puts it acurately: "The heart is deceitful above all things and without cure."

Fact: Clear discernment and careful thought produces great results. Ask for advice from people you look up to. Think things through, take your time, and I promise you won't regret it. James 1:5 says "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." There you go.

2.
Myth: "College is the best time of your life." College is an awesome, unique, and deeply rich time in your life. But like all seasons of life, it has a beginning and an ending. If you consider the epitomy of life to be late nights, more friends than you can juggle, awkward self-discovery challenges, and stupid first-time-not-under-my-parents-roof decisions, then maybe college will be the best time of your life.

Fact: College is an experience. It is temporary, exciting, challenging, fulfilling, humbling, exhausting and discouraging.  Like any experience, it is worth the haul.Your first year may or may not be a nightmare. Take it a day at a time. Don't remove yourself from community. Press in and I promise, "this too shall pass".

3.
Myth: "Divorce is an option." This is false. When you make a vow before God and another person to commit despite the obstacles, you should at least respect yourself enough to make your word mean something. Divorce is evil. There is nothing good about it, any way you look at it. Maybe take some more time learning and trusting the person you are wedding before making a vow. Because divorce isn't an option.

Fact: Marriage is meant to be for "as long as you both shall live." It doesn't matter how awful it gets. It doesn't matter if you "fall out of love." Learn to do disbelieve Myth #1 and maybe Myth #3 won't be an issue.

4.
Myth: "Follow your dreams" is kinda unrealistic. Although I'm learning to dream, I do not think that you should blindly follow your dreams. What if you dream of being a pop singer but you have no vocal talent? Or what if you want to be an NBA player, but you have no athletic ability? Dreaming is good and important, but within reasonable limits. That may seem contradictory, but if you do not dream responsibly, you may find yourself broke, lost and disillusioned.

Fact: Dreams are long, lonely, difficult roads. As my friend Sarah Mathias said in her last blog post, "I am realizing that when you do crazy things, only about 5% of it looks like a movie and the other 95% probably looks like hell that you want to get out of, change takes time and pain can break your heart, and when you think about how long it would take for someone to heal and all the work that would go into it and how much it would cost you. It's not very much like a movie at all, but it's better, if you can make it. If you are called down that road."


5.
Myth: "The grass is always greener on the other side." Mmmm, not so much. Learn to be grateful for what you have. Be content. 1 Tim 6:6-7 "But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world and we can take nothing out of it."

Fact: You have plenty of things to be grateful for. If you have a hard time imagining this, take out a sheet of paper and write down all the things you are thankful for. You will be surprised.


6.
Myth: "Pain is weakness leaving the body". This only applies to exercise, and even then it is contingent on whether you sustain an injury or are recovering from one. Do not apply this phrase to any other mental, emotional, spiritual or psychological area of your life.

Fact: Pain is not bad. Phil Yancey said that pain is an indicator of life, like when you are in an accident and the Dr. asks while probing you if you can feel anything. And if you can, that is good! Because pain indicates life, and therefore pain manifests life. Unless of course you tear your ACL or something, and in that case pain just sucks. Actually pain always sucks, but the result of pain can be very very good.

7.
Myth: "God helps those who help themselves" I don't really get this one. I feel like its self-explanatory: get off your butt and don't be lazy or act entitled. God doesn't abide by your rules.

Fact: Proverbs 14:23 "All hard work brings a profit."

8.
Myth: "You are what you eat."

Nuff said.

Fact: Eat healthy, be healthy.

9.
Myth: "Etiquette is old-fashioned." No, its not. It is the mark of a mature, classy individual. Things like: Guys who hold doors, women who dress modestly, guys who walk on the road-side of the sidewalk, waiting to eat until everyone is seated, bringing a gift to a party, always r.s.v.p.ing, doing what you say you are going to do, keeping your committments, not chewing gum on stage, saying please and thank you.

Fact: "Manners maketh man." ~ William of Wykeham.
"Good manners can open doors that the best education cannot." ~Clarence Thomas
"Politeness and consideration for others is like investing pennies and getting dollars back."~Thomas Sowell

10.
Myth: "Blondes have more fun."  False. Redheads do, obviously.

Fact: 75% of men say the first thing they notice about a women is her hair.
Yep. So good hair=fun. Obviously.


There you go. Feel free to disagree.

Bucket List

I've made a list somewhere before. I had a mental one for my senior year of college- it turned out pretty good actually. I DID sing in Edman Chapel on stage into a mic. I DID pray in Chapel and chat with Chappy K and President Ryken. I DID participate in an epic flashmob halftime show to inaugurate our new president, which you can view here. And I DID write a bunch of random people personal notes saying how they had unintentionally blessed me during my time at Wheaton (some I hadn't even spoken to). All in all, I think its a great thing to have a bucket list. Like dreaming. Which you may remember, I am learning to do.

So here is my list. Its a work in progress and process of course.
This is NOT in order of importance.

1. Own a horse
2. Visit my homeland: Ireland
3. Play a different board game every day for a month
4. Wear my mom's wedding dress (in some form) and my grandma's wedding band at my wedding
5. Show one of my dogs in an AKC competition
6. Have an herb garden
7. Learn how to cook with fresh herbs
8. Take a hot air balloon ride
9. Go scuba diving with Sarah Mathias White
10. Ride horseback in the ocean
11. Search for buried treasure
12. See the sunrise and the sunset on the same day
13. Be debt free for the rest of my life
14. Speak to students about Truth
15. Come out with my own music album
16. Swim with dolphins
17. Hold a lion cub
18. Ride an elephant
19. Rescue a greyhound
20. Do all the crafts on my DIY craft board on pinterest
21. Learn to think before I speak
22. Be in a movie
23. Start an orphanage somehwere its needed, and run it
24. Adopt a few kids
25. Make my own wedding veil
26. Have a 50th wedding anniversary
27. Take a gondola ride in Italy along the canals
28. Go to the Ellen DeGeneres show
29. Visit England and wear a fancy hat somewhere it would be appropriate
30. Enter a ballroom dance competition
31. Run a 10K
32. Grow flowers
33. Help my Dad buy a boat
34. Own a condo where all my family can vacation together
35. See all my kids graduate and get married
36. Visit my cousins in Africa and help them do missions where my Dad grew up
37. Live in Europe
38. Have a library room in my house
39. Write and have a book published
40. Have lunch with Francine Rivers
41. Grow my hair out to my lower ribs
42. Be in Times Square for New Years
43. Go on a Disney Cruise
44. Speak Spanish fluently
45. Share Jesus with a stranger
46. Learn to decorate cakes professionally
47. Eat all natural foods and cook from scratch
48. Own a car younger than me
49. Be on a TV show like Wipeout, Survivor, or the Amazing Race
50. Feel confident in a bikini
51. Learn to play the guitar
52. Live on a self-sufficient farm with goats and chickens and horses
53. Throw an epic themed party (maybe a reunion, or a reception)
54. Travel travel travel: Greece, Italy, Spain, Tailand, Africa, Norway, Ireland, Hungary, Hawaii
55. Raise my kids along with my brother and sister-in-law

and much much more.

Sloppy, messy, drop dead beautiful

I take care of an almost-one-year old. Its my current job. As much as it keeps my pride in check to still live near my alma mater and have to declare myself a "nanny", I don't hate the job. Its not difficult by any means, which is part of the tedium. But its quite amazing how much of Jesus you can find amidst the diapers, bottles, drool and snot. No, I'm not advocating pantheism, I'm simply saying that when you are looking for Him, he can be found even in the most trivial of tasks. Like I usually mention, there is glory in the mundane. And the past few months have been me discovering just that.

I've developed a language with my baby. We have a certain humor, and I would say we communicate pretty well. Even the dog and I have conversations. I've considered starting a running list that turns into one of those calendars they sell at stands in the mall at Christmas:

You Know You're a Nanny when....you have formula all over your back seat. You know you're a nanny when... if they had a "minute to win it" on changing diapers, you would crush the competition. You know you're a nanny when...you've developed a new word that transcends "ambidextrous" to include your feet, mouth, neck and thighs called "bodydextrous".  You know you're a nanny when...you want to ask for a raise because the dog cries more than the baby. You know you're a nanny when...you're body is violated in a dozen ways every day that you are powerless to avoid. And my most recent: You know you're a nanny when...the sound of your noisemaker at night is so similar to the sound of the baby moniter, you have to adjust to a different sound otherwise you won't sleep for fear of the dreaded "waking cry".

I guess all these could be applied to moms as well. And that doesn't encourage me much, or at all. I'm too young to be a mom. I'm 23. I'm healthy. I'm vibrant. I have good style. I drive a convertible. With a car seat. Oh...

As my grandmother used to say, "the point is", that even in these things, I've found humor, joy, peace, beauty, life, gratitude, and love. And he's not even my baby! And Rosie's not even my dog! This gives me hope for my own days of motherhood.

I know that this is a season in my life, and compared to my past 7 or so years, its nothing like my life has been. But thats ok. Its been a lot of growth and change, and failures. I may not be doing what I expected or wanted to be doing, but I've been doing what I could, and its been good. And besides the baby and the dog, I get to go do life with people that are sloppy, messy, and drop dead beautiful. And I love doing life like that.
I went to an equestrian center with some friends this week. They were a little shocked at my boldness with the horses, and my knowledge of them. Well, you can take the girl out of the farm and the country, but you can't take the farm and the country out of the girl. Once a southerner, always a southerner. And when I was walking around that equestrian center, I didn't care I was getting my nice clothes all dirty and smelly. I love the smell of horses too much to care about that. And life is so much more fun messy, and sloppy. If my baby wants to kiss my neck and face with slobber running down his chin, I'll let him. Because I'd rather take care of a happy drooly baby than a clean ornery one.
And I'd rather live life messy and beautiful than clean and dull. I don't love getting sweaty, but I love dancing hard more! I don't enjoy dirty feet, but I love wearing flip flops 24/7. I hate doing laundry, but I don't mind getting filthy doing something fun or productive. As they say, a little dirt never hurt nobody!

The predicament, (or the glory?), of Dreams

I'm a Disney fan. If you know me personally, you know that this is a very profound truth. I love all things Disney. (The OLD Disney). The song goes like this: "A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're fast asleep..." It has a lovely melody line, as do most Disney classic songs. I could sing them all day long...
However, I don't know whether to believe Disney here or not. What is a dream? Not the things that float across your eyeballs when you are sleeping, but the dreams of your heart...those wishes or desires or whatever you want to call them. What are they? Let me define the dream I'm talking about before I go any further.
The dictionary has specific descriptions of the word that I think make my meaning:
1. A cherished hope; ambition; aspiration

Hmmmm. Very interesting (said while stroking chin methodically).  Here's the predicament of dreams:

                                                                 WHY??

As in: Why do we have them? Is it a result of our FLESH or our SPIRIT? Or some random combination of both? Whats the purpose of them?

I am looking through a Biblical lens. I know what secular dreams entail. Ultimately, they are all the American Dream. Even Koreans and Ugandans have an American Dream. It is this: health, wealth, and happiness. Ok so what I'm talking about in terms of dreams is something not altogether unrelated, but also not the same topic.

As a Christian, as someone who seeks God first and foremost, I want to know what our dreams look like to him. Did he place them there? Are they not so far removed from the dreams that the people in the Bible had that were God-inspired? No, I think that is a revelation. I don't believe the dreams I'm talking about is a revelation of God's truth. Dreams like curing cancer, or ridding an African country of hunger and poverty, or founding an orphanage in the wreckage of Haiti, or penetrating the darkness of a city in whatever means necessary. Epic dreams. Is that redundant?

So again, what are dreams? What constitutes a dream for a God-fearing immortal in human form? Do they have a place in our thoughts? Are they purely selfish in motivation? Or is that what separates the "dreams" from the "revelations"?  What's the point in having a dream if it doesn't come true? Do Christians have these types of dreams? If so, whats the point? Do they pursue them? Should they?
 Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream, and it was a good dream, and it came true.  And it was a selfless dream, but a very personal dream as well. There are a bazillion quotes on acheiving your dreams, and pursuing your dreams, and reaching your dreams. Goethe said ""Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men." Is that what a dream should be? Something that moves the hearts of men? Or is it like what Shakespeare said "...We are such stuff as dreams are made of...", that is to say, we are as transient as the wind. Which means dreams are transient, and thus unreliable, much less deserving of relentless pursuit. Even Eleanor Roosevelt believed in dreams; "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." Hm. So now I won't have a future unless I have a dream.

Well I do happen to have dreams. Thus the reason for this knowledge wonderlust. I have some mild dreams, and some grandiose dreams that, if I were completely honest with myself, I am terrified of and would scarcely admit to them if I was paid. 

And then there is this quote that I heard one time...and its from a longer passage that I will insert here:

This is from Mark Batterson's Lion Chaser's Manifesto:
Quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death. Grab life by the mane. Set God-sized goals. Pursue God-ordained passions. Go after a dream that is destined to fail without divine intervention. Keep asking questions. Keep making mistakes. Keep seeking God. Stop pointing out problems and become part of the solution. Stop repeating the past and start creating the future. Stop playing it safe and start taking risks. Expand your horizons. Accumulate experiences. Consider the lilies. Enjoy the journey. Find every excuse you can to celebrate everything you can. Live like today is the first day and last day of your life. Don’t let what’s wrong with you keep you from worshipping what’s right with God. Burn sinful bridges. Blaze a new trail. Criticize by creating. Worry less about what people think and more about what God thinks. Don’t try to be who you’re not. Be yourself. Laugh at yourself. Quit holding out. Quit holding back. Quit running away. Chase the lion.
And later he says in his blog,

We need to dream big dreams not because we need to accomplish big things. What we accomplish is a byproduct. We need to dream big dreams because it keeps us on our knees in raw dependence upon God. Unless He intervenes we look foolish. Dreams have far more to do with who we become in the process than the what we accomplish. They stretch us. And that’s why they are so good for us. You want to take your prayer life to the next level? Dream God-sized dreams!

So there's my answer. I dream because it keeps me from getting comfortable or content. Not that good spiritual contentment, but the fear-induced contentment that results from our staying in our comfort zone.
I've always been a dreamer...till I got a big dose of reality and decided I would be safer not dreaming. Then when I started flirting with dreams again, I realized I needed to reconcile this one predicament before I continued my dreamless life, or my dream-living life. And I needed to choose.

So I choose to dream. Epic dreams of goliath proportions. Because I know it will wear out my knees. And it will require me to surrender myself to change and growth. And as Donald Miller says, thats the point of our stories (our dreams): not the end, but everything in between. The character arc.  Miller also says "Fear is a manipulative emotion that can trick us into leading a boring life."

Fear. False Evidence Appearing Real. The thing that Perfect Love casts out.

Looks like I gotta start doing me some dreaming!

If you want some extra information:
Donald Miller's blog: so great!
http://donmilleris.com/2010/01/01/living-a-good-story-an-alternative-to-new-years-resolutions/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tjYoKCBYag