The How-To and How-I-Do of Friendship

I have had some requests for this entry. I've let the idea marinate for a while so I could collect thoughts and delicately translate them into something you could understand.

A few disclaimers:

1. I am not a perfect friend. Any of my friends will tell you that. So when you read this, remember that I am speaking from experiences that have been both triumphs and a failures.

2. I have a lot of friends. I have friends that are talented and cool and beautiful and smart and courageous and humble. I have some friends that aren't those things. But their awesomeness does not carry the biggest weight in the success of the relationship. Really, it doesn't matter what your friends are like (to an extent). You cannot control them, so this "tutorial" on friendship will focus on what you can control: yourself. YOU determine the success of your relationships.

3. I learned how to be a friend through trial and error, through a sensative and intuitive mind, by my Dad's advice, and by watching my mom. I have had wonderful and horrible relationship experiences. I have learned to read and understand people no matter who they are. I listened to my dad's advice and learned it's significant value. I learned by watching my mom smoothly navigate her way through selfish, obnoxious people with a finesse I recognized as unique even when I was little.

I will relay my advice via what I believe has been a plumbline in my relational world. The Bible. Yes yes a bit cliche sounding, I know. But once you align yourself with the living Word of God, no human self-help advice quite measures up.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

*I understand that you may not consider the word "love" as appropriate or accurate in a description of all of your friendships. I, however, do not consider there to be any other option of defintion*

• Love is patient. Here was my dad's sage advice:

 "Always ask people questions about themselves. No matter how great you are, people only want to hear about themlseves. So ask them questions, and then listen. Everyone has a story."

Be willing to listen. People will talk if you let them. And you will learn who they are. Be interested in knowing them. There is truth in the saying "To be known is to be loved." Or as we say at Wheaton College, "Identity preceeds intimacy."

• Love is kind. Be considerate and take initiative. Don't wait for someone else to make the first move/text/smile/greeting. You may find that the only thing keeping you from taking the first step is lack of courage. Don't ever let fear dictate how you do relationships. Fear= False Evidence Appears Real.  Write notes to people- they mean a lot when you tell someone you are thinking about them. Even if you don't have much to say, something always goes a long way.

• Love is humble. Grace is probably the most necessary ingredient in any long-lasting relationship. Don't let your pride keep you from maintaining quality in your life. You'll just look like an insecure loser. And when you let humility rule your heart you can spot false security and cocky idiots from a mile away, and then avert yourself.

• Love is not rude. Guard your tongue fiercely. This is where I struggle. Oh the Bible verses I could list on the tongue...actually, here are a few:

Psalm 12:2-4 "Everyone lies to their neighbor;
they flatter with their lips
but harbor deception in their hearts.

³ May the Lord silence all flattering lips
and every boastful tongue—
⁴ those who say,
“By our tongues we will prevail;
our own lips will defend us—who is lord over us?”

Psalm 34:12-13 "Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,
¹³ keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from telling lies.
¹⁴ Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it. "

• Love is not self-seeking. Guess what? Its not all about you. Actually, if you want to be a truly good friend, only about 25% of the time can be about you. Yes there's the necessary give and take of any relationship, but you have to be willing to give more of yourself. Otherwise, not matter what the percentages end up being at the end of the day, you can be confident your motives were genuine and (hopefully) selfless. Sometimes you're going to take a friend to the airport at ungodly hours. Maybe you will be the one who gets the late-night phone calls that wake you up. Perhaps you're the friend who is always reliable, so you're the one they go to in their desperate moments. Sometimes you will want to talk about yourself and your issues, but they dominate the conversation. Remember: love is not selfish. If you are feeling empty of grace and love for your friends, go to the source. Go sit at Jesus' feet for a while. Let him fill you up, instead of relying on people to. Then you will be able to keep on giving "without growing weary."

• Love is not easily angered. Again, grace. Don't be quick to take offense. Here is another one of my weaknesses. I get upset and hurt when people don't meet my expectations, but my expectations are often too unrealistic for them. I impose my own standards on others, and often find myself disappointed and frustrated when they are not met. However, confrontation is a huge tool for dissolving conflict and handling issues of feelings. It must be handled delicately: with prayer, gentleness and love, and what I call the "cushion effect" (sandwhich the bad stuff with good stuff on either side> i.e. You are so important to me, but I was really hurt when you did not call me about that thing, and I need to know where you are coming from because I value this relationship more than I hate confrontation :) ha).  See Ephesians 4:14-16

• Love keeps no records of wrongs. Forgive. Move on. If you find this hard to do, the issue is probably not so much with the other person, but with yourself and your own heart. It is probably something you need to get right before God.

• Love does not delight in evil. Be known for your fairness and peace-making skills. Romans 12:14-16 " Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. ¹⁵ Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. ¹⁶ Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.^[a] Do not be conceited."

• Love always protects. Be fiercely loyal, even if they are not to you. Again, all of this is focusing on your end of the relationship. Never let people have the opportunity to slander you by giving them a reason to be able to do it. If you want to be above reproach, don't give people a reason to consider any other possibility. Let them know they can trust you, and guard that trust. Also, be available to people when they need you. Set healthy boundaries, but make sure they know that when you are loyal, you can be so to a fault.

• Love always trusts. Not people. Only God. See Proverbs 3:5-6

• Love always hopes. Don't give up on a person. Life may take you down separate paths, and there may come a time when it is healthier for you to distance yourself with boundaries, but you should never lose hope for them. Pray for them. Surrender it to your King. You can still love them from a distance.

• Love always perseveres. Learn how to make healthy boundaries, abide by them, and know when to stop trying so hard. Some things don't have to happen. Relinquish control. But I'm speaking in a strictly friendship-sense. In terms of a marraige- don't ever give up.

• Love never fails. Love is not synonymous with friendship, though I have created such a parallel in this entry. Friendship does fail, like everything in our world. But it is just another one of those things that is meant to send you to your knees in front of the Cross to recongize your inability to be perfect. God is love. And God never fails.

1 John 4:7-9

 "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. ⁸ Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. ⁹ This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him."