I'm Not Saving Myself For Marraige

I had this conversation with someone a few weeks ago.

“Are you single?” She inquires nonchalantly.

“Yes.” I reply.

“Have you dated much?” I can tell she felt this was a benign question.

“No, I haven’t.”

“Have you had a boyfriend?” She’s interested now…intrigued.

“No, not really.” I’m not sure I like where she’s headed…not sure I know how to respond.

“So…are you a virgin?” She asks me almost tentatively, as if the suggestion itself was offensive.

“Yes I am.” I say without hesitation. My attitude is a bit edgy, daring her to shame me. But my stomach flutters at the pity in her tone.

“Are you saving yourself for marriage then?” She’s confused. It was the only excuse she could think of to help herself understand.

“No, I’m not.”

Because, as I went on to explain, abstinence isn’t the alternative to sex-before-marriage. Abstinence is an act of obedience to the God I believe in, whether my life involves a future marriage or not.

And guess what? It doesn’t define me.

(I understand that many people don’t live their lives as a Jesus freak. So be it. This blog post isn’t to you. But if you have professed Jesus Christ as your Savior and made a decision to accept his fathomless Love, this blog post will hopefully hold some encouragement for you.)

I’m (almost) 25, unattached, and a virgin. What is the first thing that you think? Here are some options:

1. I’m ugly and awkward and can’t find any action.  
2. I’m scared, or have trouble experiencing emotional intimacy, much less physical.
3. I’m too good for men; I intimidate them, and may be a lesbian.
4. I’m a good Christian girl waiting diligently for my Boaz.
5. I’m not interested in sex or a lasting relationship.

If you thought any of these, you’d be wrong. Well, at least I hope you are wrong…I suppose I can’t be a judge of my own appearance or social awkwardness. I don’t believe myself to be ugly or awkward though, so I guess you are still wrong.

In our culture however, those are the main responses to my “condition”. And they feel sorry for me.

The truth is that I am NONE of those things. I am not defined by my singleness. I am not defined by my virginity.

I want to propose that we should not view singleness and virginity through a reductionist lens. As a Single I am more than the sum of my experiences, or the lack of them.

I am in my mid-twenties. I have experienced tragedy and triumph. I know what it is to have deep spiritual and sexual longings. I know the battle to refuse to participate in a pornography-glorified society. I have not always wanted to be single, and I have not always wanted to be married. I am not sexually repressed or confused. On the other hand, I am intensely sexual because it was how I was created. My sexuality doesn’t depend on your definition of “sexual expression.”

To the jaded, disillusioned woman who was once a hopeful little girl: You have not failed life. You haven’t missed out, and you are not less because of it. Nor are you invincible and above needing men. You were created for intimacy, and sometimes it’s just hard when that isn’t fulfilled. But the hard times don’t last forever. And sometimes we get to see the freedom in the gift we have. And both are ok.

You see, people tell me all the time to be patient, that God will bring “him” when the timing is right.

And I do believe that. But I prefer for people to focus on what God is doing in me right now. Because sometimes it is just too hard to hope for the wedded future that isn’t necessarily promised.

Being a virgin, and happily single, is hard. Actually, I don’t know of anyone who has always been a happy single virgin.  I mess up a lot. I get scared, and lonely, and I stop trusting God. Don’t assume that my glorious “freedom” is somehow easier than whatever situation you are in.

Because marriage isn’t the be-all end-all.

And neither is sex.

And neither, in fact, is life.

Which is why none of it, or the hope of dreams-fulfilled, is enough to keep me sexually pure.

I’m not a virgin because I’m single. I practice abstinence because marriage and sex and life aren’t enough to fulfill me.

I’m abstinent because God commanded it. And He alone is worth my vigilance.

Marriage, while a good goal, isn’t enough of a reason to “save” myself. I haven’t been promised marriage. I don’t have a concrete assurance that my sexual abstinence will result in a glorious, perfect, sexually satisfying union with my would-be husband.

Sex, as I’ve been told, is wonderful. If God had waited till the 8^th day to rest after he had created Adam and Eve, I feel like the Bible might have said “And on the 7^th day, God created sex. And it was very good.” But, as it turns out, he didn’t use his 7th day for that (although he did create sex). And sex isn’t the crown of creation. Thus, it shouldn’t be my crown of happiness either.

Life is wonderful and hard and sometimes terrifying. But I’m here on this earth to make the most of it, not let it define me.

And thus, marriage, sex, and life are not enough reasons for me to stay sexually pure. Because being sexually pure in our culture is so. Dang. Hard. And I’m not doing this for nothing.

I’m doing this for Everything. I’m doing this for the God who saw fit to have his flesh ripped and nailed to some wood, suspended above the ground, until he experienced Death for 3 days. So I wouldn’t have to. And then he took back Life, and became Life to me, and gave me Life. And nothing is as important as that. No amount of satisfying my flesh or sexual appetite can compare with the Holiness that he offers me in Jesus.

It is a simple request really, to keep myself sexually pure. When you think about what he went through to remove my sexual impurities, so I could be with him, my abstinence is a small issue by comparison.

But I forget about him sometimes. My flesh craves and my mind drives me towards the less-than-holy. And sometimes I regret my singleness. And my abstinence.

And who ever said it would be easy? In case you were wondering, it’s not. But it can be done with grace, and joy, and hope. I know people who are doing it, and doing it well. And its messy.

But God, when you really know him and his love, is Enough in the dark, scary, desperate moments. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. But I promise you, I’ve been there, and He is.

Don’t feel sorry for me. I’m not suffering. Yes, sometimes being single is hard. And sometimes being sexually pure is even harder. But my life isn’t less than someone who isn’t either of those things. I’m not less of a human, and I haven’t missed out on life. It may mean less romantic comedies and fewer romance novels, but I’m sure I’ll survive.

If anything, I’m more fulfilled. I’m living for something larger than myself. I’m living in obedience to the one who is Love. He rescued my life! How easy it should be, and often is, to thank him with my obedience.

I’m not saving myself for marriage. I don’t have to. Marriage and sex aren’t what I live for, so I don’t think my life should be reduced to that end.

Living a life worthy of the calling of Christ is what I live for. I’m not saving myself or holding back anything and waiting. I’m surging forward—free. I’m pulsing and dancing and singing and breathing and living and laughing and loving with freedom from the restraints of a culture who says I’m not a full, real woman.  

HA!

I prove them wrong every day. 

Don't Pursue Happiness

Learning to live life well is hard. 

Our nature is prone to self-comfort, self-promotion, and most assuredly happiness.

We get wrapped up in ourselves. And let me tell you, it’s harder to clean up a house that has been TP-ed in the rain than to take our focus off ourselves.

But isn't life all about us anyway? Don't we matter?? Is it not ALL ABOUT ME?? Who's going to make me happy if I don't?? What if things go WRONG and God forbid, I'm UNHAPPY??

I’m fighting against the foundation of American culture here, but it must be said.

Do not pursue happiness. #boom

Before you stop reading, let me say that you can still be happy even if you don’t pursue the euphoria.

Actually, you will find yourself much, much happier when you don’t.

Not passive, situational happiness. This is a happiness by choice.

How do I choose happiness?

I focus on living life well, even when I fail. And having grace for myself and others when I do. (Side note: I can't do it in my own strength. There's this omnipotent being that I have a personal connection with...you could call it a soul-link....He helps me out.)

I always try to say the right things, do the right things, and be the right person. Don't get me wrong, I truly desire to do right. But the past few years have shown me that there is so much happiness, nay JOY to be had if I simply took the time to choose it...to LIVE it.

The fascinating thing about happiness is that it is not an end unto itself, but a lovely and delicious reward for pursuing the things that REALLY matter.

God.

People.

(Side note: Guess what isn't listed? Things.  Fight back against the materialism in this world! Live more simply. It will make you HAPPIER! Fact.)

I think we can all agree that life is messy. And hard. And often ugly and not anything like we thought it would be.

That’s ok. I think you’ll find that the happiest people aren't the richest, or the best looking, or the smartest.

They are people who know that happiness isn't found on Ebay, or in that one elusive perfect relationship, or even in their own accomplishments.

I stopped looking for happiness, and decided to make it, for myself, by living a life of purpose beyond me.

What does it look like?

Right now it looks like this:

Being a foster mom to rescue puppies from a local shelter.

Taking people to lunch just to share life.

Dropping off needed supplies to local non-profits.

Calling people on the phone instead of stalking their Facebook.

Reading books that challenge me intellectually, even out of school.

This list isn't mean to glorify my current endeavors. The point is this: living a life on purpose is so much more fulfilling than jumping from one happy high to another.

Take some time to think about how you can do things you enjoy with a purpose.

Love sports? Sign up to be a volunteer coach. Or support a local team. Or join one.

Love animals? Contact your local shelter and see where you can help out.

Love people? Pour into the ones you live with first. Then be intentional with the ones in your community. And graciously love the people you barely come in contact with. Remember: “You've never met a mere mortal.” (C.S. Lewis)

Love food? Start a “Foodie Club” with your friends and try new foods!

Love traveling? Plan a weekend retreat and invite anyone who wants to come. Be a tourist in your own town, if you’re on a budget.

Love music? Support local musicians by actually going to their gigs. It means so much to have a friendly face in an audience.

Love art? Learn to appreciate it by going into a studio and asking the artist questions on how they create. They will really appreciate it.

Love feeling good about yourself? Take time for self care. Find an exercise you love to do. Eat healthily. Learn to dress your body type, and how to wear makeup well. And remember: you are not just a physical being.
Love spending money? Spend it on other people.

You get the idea. Take what you would usually pursue as a happiness-entity, and go beyond that. Push your expectations, and broaden your horizons. It could be life changing, for you or someone else.

Be cognizant of opportunities to bless people. And TACKLE those opportunities #likeaboss.

Good things happen there. God things happen there.

Be a blessing. And be blessed.
Create happiness.

Bad days

In all of my efforts to handle everything life throws at me with poise and tranquility, I often fail. As in, epic fails.
For some reason I've had some exceptionally bad days this month, kind of like Alexander and his awful day.

Did you read this book as a child, or read it to someone else? Its a cute book about a boy who has, obviously, a less than desirable day. Everything goes wrong from the moment he wakes up to the moment his head hits the pillow that night.

I've had a couple doozies myself lately. The kind where you are cruising along with your plans and activities and suddenly something comes (seemingly) out of nowhere and the next thing you know you are crying to a bank teller and ordering a large Zaxby's banana pudding milkshake.

Maybe the same things happen to you as they do to me in those moments, during those days of inexcusable caloric intake and emotional derailing. At first I feel shocked when things go wrong. I plan ahead, I'm careful, I make lists, I get to the departure gate on time, I communicate well with people. But sometimes bad things happen anyway, to good and not-so-good people.

Like getting stranded overnight in airports twice in the span of a week, or realizing you budgeted out your month wrong, or coming up short on bills, or feeling like a failure, or realizing that sometimes you really are alone, or being hurt by friends, or even the lies of debilitating self-loathing.

I screwed up some things, and then some things out of my control messed me up pretty good as well. I felt like the cartoon characters who get punched so many times they start seeing stars and birdies.
I felt miserable, hurt, worthless, angry, and all those other un-lovely emotions.

It was like my heart went into auto-pilot in self-defense, immediately barring down the doors to "protect" me. And in the middle of it I could feel my spirit pulling me, straining, groping for Truth. For Hope. The God-fearing, Jesus-loving part of me pushed back against those doors, willing them to stay open, to stay vulnerable. Those bad days I was at constant war with myself. I wanted to give in to self-pity so badly I could taste it in every sip of my Zaxby's milkshake. But my spirit wouldn't allow it. It claimed Truths I wanted to ignore. It reminded me of promises I so easily forgot. It sang songs of hope even though my voice was raw with emotion. It persevered when I felt like giving up.

The thing that defined those days for me wasn't necessarily how bad they were (and they were bad), but by how much of a battle I was in between my Flesh and my Spirit. It was real. And I fought hard to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.

I slipped heavily, and fell hard, as I always do. But I thanked Him still. I had to, because I knew He was with me throughout it all. And whether I chose to believe his promises or not, they were still true.

He is my provider. He is my solace. He is my protector. He is my defender. He loves me.

He loves me.

He loves me.

His mercies are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness!

I hope and pray that next time you have a bad day, you remember those facts sooner and more easily than I did!

Chivalry is not dead!

Chivalry is a medieval concept or "code of conduct" in reference to the institution of knighthood from the Middle Ages. It involves honor, gallantry, and service to others as well as personal disciple and duty. Knights had to be strong and fierce, but also kind and gentle. Thus the phrase "a knight in shining armor". 

Chivalry is not dead. However, there seems to be a great lack of "knights", and a great many lack of "ladies".  Unfortunately feminists objected to the concept of chivalry, and when an ideal is no longer upheld as sacred or simply important, we end up with the society we know today. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not the type of girl to sit around the castle and wait for my knight to return from battle. I'm the kind to get on my own horse ready to fight alongside. I'm not a Sleeping Beauty kind of girl. I'm a Mulan or Merida (from Brave) kind of girl. But that doesn't mean I can't support chivalry. 

If we (females) start acting like real women, then maybe men will start acting like real men. So here are some tips on how to navigate through the (sometimes awkward since we aren't accustomed to it) acts of chivalry:

If you are a guy who for some reason doesn't want to perform these acts for your peers, do them for your mom/sisters/female relatives. BE THAT GUY!

It doesn't matter who the lady is. Be a gentleman and no matter the circumstances, and a true lady will rise to the occasion of being one!

Support your Local Chivalry: It's not flirting, it is basic respect and courtesy to a female no matter the personal interest you may have in her.

• Holding doors:
• GUYS: Ok this may be the most basic one in the book. But it will never go out of style. ALWAYS let the ladies in first. If a girl gets to the door first and holds it, take the door from her and let her go in before you.
• GIRLS: If you are walking in to a door with a guy, let him ahead of you. As a fast walker myself, I have to consciously remind myself to slow down at the door. You aren't being a brat by allowing him the opportunity to open the door. You are being a lady.

And keep this in mind: 

• Walking on the sidewalk:
• GUYS: You should always walk on the street side of the sidewalk/road/path. By taking the outer edge, you are hemming the female in. Its a protective gesture that says "You are safe with me." If she is walking on the outside, gently guide her in and take that spot. 
• GIRLS: If the guy is clueless, I'm afraid I have no advice for you. Don't make things awkward by bringing it up. Unfortunately this isn't a common chivalrous act anymore. So don't take offense.
• Paying for the bill:
• GUYS: This can be an interesting one. If you are out with a bunch of friends, don't feel the need to cover someone's tab simply because she is female. Unless she is there with you specifically, you may make things awkward if there isn't an expectation there that you will cover it. But if you are out with her whether intentionally or not, and you want to do a nice act, pay for her coffee/movie ticket/meal. I was once out with some of my engaged friends. We were out enjoying drinks and dessert. I fully intended to pay for my items. But when the waitress came, he secretly told her it was all on his tab, and covered the meal. I can't begin to tell you how blessed and impressed I was. He had no motive besides doing a kind favor for me. And he got major man points in my book.
• GIRLS: Be prepared to cover your tab. If he offers to cover it, graciously allow him to. And thank him more than once. Make him feel appreciated, and show your gratitude.
• Open the car door:
• GUYS: This seems unnecessary doesn't it? It does to girls to. But then, so do most things on the list of chivalry. Basically if you don't do this, no one will even think twice about it. But if you DO do this, they won't forget it.
• GIRLS: Let him do it. And thank him. But don't over-analyze and think he's doing it just for you. 

• Give her your seat:
• GUYS: Always give a lady your seat. If she is female, breathing, and in need of a place to sit down, give her your spot. If you don't have a spot to give her, request a fellow member of your sex to allow the lady to sit in his seat. You will forever be a hero.
• GIRLS: Accept the seat. Don't refuse them. You don't look independent by toughing it out and standing. You look like a stuck-up brat. Believe me, I've done this...the wrong way.
• Help her in or out of her coat:

• GUYS: If she is wearing some type of heavier outer garment that requires removal at any point, help her out of it. And find a place to hang it or stow it for safe-keeping (find a coat rack/hanger/whatever).
• GIRLS: Allow him to help you. And if you have hat, scarf, gloves, or anything else, let him take those too.
• Lead-- Go first:

• GUYS: Be the first to walk across a street or crosswalk. Be the first to navigate puddles. Find a seat in the movie theater and let her in first so you are on the outside. When walking through a crowd, go first and make a path for her. When in a crowd, never turn your back to her completely. 
• GIRLS: If he does it, let him. And thank him. Don't protest his seat choice, or the route he chooses to take. Let him lead. Keep your mouth shut.
• Carry her stuff: 
• GUYS: I don't think you need to offer to carry her purse, but anything else should be safe. (Extra bag, coat, backpack, dishes, etc)
• GIRLS:  If you are feeling very labored down with carrying things, I think its safe to ask for help. Even if they sometimes don't offer to help, most guys are more than willing to lend a hand. And enjoy doing it.
• Give her yours:
• GUYS: Do you have a coat/sweater/anything and she doesn't? Give her yours. Do you have a drink or food that she may enjoy? Offer it. Does she maybe need a ride? Give her one. 
• GIRLS: Accept what is offered. Say thank you.

• Walk her to her car:

• GUYS: Even if her car is 5 blocks in the opposite direction from yours, or if it is right next to yours, walk her to her car. If there are multiple females in your company, ask them to go with you to each car until everyone is safely in their vehicle. Even if she has pepper spray and took self-defense. It isn't an evaluation of her ability to defend herself  but an accurate evaluation of the world we live in. And take it a step further: wait with her until her car successfully starts! 
• GIRLS: If a guy does this, you should be so appreciative. I don't care how tough you are. I'm a 6'0 tall athlete who isn't afraid of much, and I still want a guy to walk me to my car. I had a friend's boyfriend walk me to my car once, and I felt so safe!

• Don't do it to get anything back!

• GUYS: Your motive is this: honor and respect for others and yourself. Nothing more.
• GIRLS: Don't over-analyze it. Let him be a gentleman without any strings attached.

So in closing, whether male or female, support your local chivalry!

 How have you been blessed by a chivalrous act?
What would you suggest as an addition to this list?
Do females have more responsibility in it than may be presumed?

Tell me about it!

When my heart fails...

I've been heartsick lately. 

Meyers-Briggs can't decide if I'm a Feeler or a Thinker. It changes its mind each time I take the test because I'm both. Not always a great combination when you are heartsick. You wear yourself out by doing nothing but going around in your head. That's why I'm a verbal processor. Its safer for my health. 

I know a lot of people who are heartsick simply from the fear of the unknown. Fear= False Evidence Appears Real. But catchy little phrases don't really do much for me in the throng of the emotion.

So where do we go? Why are we surprised again, at how hard life is? Didn't Jesus say it would be this way, and that, oh by the way, He'd already dealt with it (John 16:33)? 

Sometimes my little, weak, sickly heart just doesn't get it. So I have to remind myself. Again. And again. And discipline my thoughts to bend towards TRUTH and TRUST. And as we all know, it is oh so hard.

Psalm 73:26

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Your heart is the strongest muscle in your body. An average heart pumps around 1,900 gallons of blood each day. That is a very strong heart. 

Your skin (flesh) is the largest organ in (or on) your body. Your skin has so many roles- insulation, sensation, prevention of water loss, and synthesis of vitamin D. Suffice it to say, without your heart or skin, you wouldn't live very long...at all. They are essential to life. 

So what if your heart and skin did fail? You would die. 

But God is the strength of my heart. Simply speaking, God trumps death (and everything it represents). Every time. 

Sometimes my heart doesn't feel strong at all. It feels lonely, or worried, or upset, or overwhelmed, or guilty, or fractured. Usually because I'm not letting God be my strength...I'm trying to be my own strength.

Proverbs 13:12

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

Have you ever wanted, hoped for, wished for, prayed for something so hard or for so long that you grew sick over it? We all have, no doubt. Weary and discouraged, that's how we feel.

A sick and failing heart? Recipe for disaster. 

So what is the remedy?

Defense. We're under attack.

John 10:10

The thief comes only to steal (your joy/hope/peace) and kill (your faith/trust) and destroy (your freedom/love); I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

LIFE. Beautiful, messy, ridiculous, hard, ugly, incredible, eternity-effecting, not-even-coffee-helps LIFE.

Psalm 27:1

The Lord is my light and my salvation;

Whom shall I fear?

The Lord is the strength of my life;

Of whom shall I be afraid?

How will He do it? How does He do it? How will I know when He's done it?

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

It is so straightforward. Its not a method, its a discipline. It's obedience. And it's not easy. 

And yet I grow so weary of patience. 

Psalm 27:14

Wait on the Lord;

Be of good courage,

And He shall strengthen your heart;

Wait, I say, on the Lord!

Take heart. He has overcome the world. 

Take heart. LIFE. Strength. And see your longing fulfilled. 

I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

Because I already have.