I'm Not Saving Myself For Marraige

I had this conversation with someone a few weeks ago.

“Are you single?” She inquires nonchalantly.

“Yes.” I reply.

“Have you dated much?” I can tell she felt this was a benign question.

“No, I haven’t.”

“Have you had a boyfriend?” She’s interested now…intrigued.

“No, not really.” I’m not sure I like where she’s headed…not sure I know how to respond.

“So…are you a virgin?” She asks me almost tentatively, as if the suggestion itself was offensive.

“Yes I am.” I say without hesitation. My attitude is a bit edgy, daring her to shame me. But my stomach flutters at the pity in her tone.

“Are you saving yourself for marriage then?” She’s confused. It was the only excuse she could think of to help herself understand.

“No, I’m not.”

Because, as I went on to explain, abstinence isn’t the alternative to sex-before-marriage. Abstinence is an act of obedience to the God I believe in, whether my life involves a future marriage or not.

And guess what? It doesn’t define me.

(I understand that many people don’t live their lives as a Jesus freak. So be it. This blog post isn’t to you. But if you have professed Jesus Christ as your Savior and made a decision to accept his fathomless Love, this blog post will hopefully hold some encouragement for you.)

I’m (almost) 25, unattached, and a virgin. What is the first thing that you think? Here are some options:

1. I’m ugly and awkward and can’t find any action.  
2. I’m scared, or have trouble experiencing emotional intimacy, much less physical.
3. I’m too good for men; I intimidate them, and may be a lesbian.
4. I’m a good Christian girl waiting diligently for my Boaz.
5. I’m not interested in sex or a lasting relationship.

If you thought any of these, you’d be wrong. Well, at least I hope you are wrong…I suppose I can’t be a judge of my own appearance or social awkwardness. I don’t believe myself to be ugly or awkward though, so I guess you are still wrong.

In our culture however, those are the main responses to my “condition”. And they feel sorry for me.

The truth is that I am NONE of those things. I am not defined by my singleness. I am not defined by my virginity.

I want to propose that we should not view singleness and virginity through a reductionist lens. As a Single I am more than the sum of my experiences, or the lack of them.

I am in my mid-twenties. I have experienced tragedy and triumph. I know what it is to have deep spiritual and sexual longings. I know the battle to refuse to participate in a pornography-glorified society. I have not always wanted to be single, and I have not always wanted to be married. I am not sexually repressed or confused. On the other hand, I am intensely sexual because it was how I was created. My sexuality doesn’t depend on your definition of “sexual expression.”

To the jaded, disillusioned woman who was once a hopeful little girl: You have not failed life. You haven’t missed out, and you are not less because of it. Nor are you invincible and above needing men. You were created for intimacy, and sometimes it’s just hard when that isn’t fulfilled. But the hard times don’t last forever. And sometimes we get to see the freedom in the gift we have. And both are ok.

You see, people tell me all the time to be patient, that God will bring “him” when the timing is right.

And I do believe that. But I prefer for people to focus on what God is doing in me right now. Because sometimes it is just too hard to hope for the wedded future that isn’t necessarily promised.

Being a virgin, and happily single, is hard. Actually, I don’t know of anyone who has always been a happy single virgin.  I mess up a lot. I get scared, and lonely, and I stop trusting God. Don’t assume that my glorious “freedom” is somehow easier than whatever situation you are in.

Because marriage isn’t the be-all end-all.

And neither is sex.

And neither, in fact, is life.

Which is why none of it, or the hope of dreams-fulfilled, is enough to keep me sexually pure.

I’m not a virgin because I’m single. I practice abstinence because marriage and sex and life aren’t enough to fulfill me.

I’m abstinent because God commanded it. And He alone is worth my vigilance.

Marriage, while a good goal, isn’t enough of a reason to “save” myself. I haven’t been promised marriage. I don’t have a concrete assurance that my sexual abstinence will result in a glorious, perfect, sexually satisfying union with my would-be husband.

Sex, as I’ve been told, is wonderful. If God had waited till the 8^th day to rest after he had created Adam and Eve, I feel like the Bible might have said “And on the 7^th day, God created sex. And it was very good.” But, as it turns out, he didn’t use his 7th day for that (although he did create sex). And sex isn’t the crown of creation. Thus, it shouldn’t be my crown of happiness either.

Life is wonderful and hard and sometimes terrifying. But I’m here on this earth to make the most of it, not let it define me.

And thus, marriage, sex, and life are not enough reasons for me to stay sexually pure. Because being sexually pure in our culture is so. Dang. Hard. And I’m not doing this for nothing.

I’m doing this for Everything. I’m doing this for the God who saw fit to have his flesh ripped and nailed to some wood, suspended above the ground, until he experienced Death for 3 days. So I wouldn’t have to. And then he took back Life, and became Life to me, and gave me Life. And nothing is as important as that. No amount of satisfying my flesh or sexual appetite can compare with the Holiness that he offers me in Jesus.

It is a simple request really, to keep myself sexually pure. When you think about what he went through to remove my sexual impurities, so I could be with him, my abstinence is a small issue by comparison.

But I forget about him sometimes. My flesh craves and my mind drives me towards the less-than-holy. And sometimes I regret my singleness. And my abstinence.

And who ever said it would be easy? In case you were wondering, it’s not. But it can be done with grace, and joy, and hope. I know people who are doing it, and doing it well. And its messy.

But God, when you really know him and his love, is Enough in the dark, scary, desperate moments. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. But I promise you, I’ve been there, and He is.

Don’t feel sorry for me. I’m not suffering. Yes, sometimes being single is hard. And sometimes being sexually pure is even harder. But my life isn’t less than someone who isn’t either of those things. I’m not less of a human, and I haven’t missed out on life. It may mean less romantic comedies and fewer romance novels, but I’m sure I’ll survive.

If anything, I’m more fulfilled. I’m living for something larger than myself. I’m living in obedience to the one who is Love. He rescued my life! How easy it should be, and often is, to thank him with my obedience.

I’m not saving myself for marriage. I don’t have to. Marriage and sex aren’t what I live for, so I don’t think my life should be reduced to that end.

Living a life worthy of the calling of Christ is what I live for. I’m not saving myself or holding back anything and waiting. I’m surging forward—free. I’m pulsing and dancing and singing and breathing and living and laughing and loving with freedom from the restraints of a culture who says I’m not a full, real woman.  

HA!

I prove them wrong every day.