The Bible says many things on God's will. It says his will for us is to be saved. It says his will is for us to be obediant. It says his will for us it to love others, and live a circumspect life. I googled "verses on God's will" and clicked on the first link. It was a good one. So is Google.
God's will is one of the most widely conversed and yet disagreed upon topics in Christianity. It is what so many of us would give a leg to know, and what so many of us are also terrified of. Perhaps that last statement is an exaggeration....maybe I'm the only one scared of God's will? Yes I believe it is good and perfect and timely. But I've always struggled marrying God's will with promises like "Ask and it shall be given to you" and "the Lord will give you the desires of your heart." God's desire for me is to love him and love others. So if I somehow attain that, then I merit my desires, which means I get to know God and people, and then it becomes circular.
I'm obviously rambling with my thoughts. You will see why God's will and plan for my/your life is a topic that has captured my thoughts of late.
Last weekend God's will was manifested to my brother in the form of a stunning 19 year old south Florida bride.
The weekend was full and exciting. Family and friends arrived and the rehearsal brought everyone together exchanging names. I found myself simple saying "I'm Kelly, the groom's sister." And I was proud of it. None of Brittany's family really knew Kyle but they could only sing his praises. I enjoyed getting to know them- this would be Kyle's family from now on too.
After the dinner at Stoneridge Tavern, Kyle, his best man Josiah and our cousin Brendan escaped and went "in the woods" for a few hours before sleeping at Brendan's. I had all my awesome cousins at my house, so we had a blast hanging out and playing with my new baby Cora.
Saturday dawned sunny and beautiful. May 28th. The day my brother becomes a man and takes a wife.
I was hot mess most of the day, but especially nearing the ceremony time. I wasn't prepared to be so emotional. But who was I fooling? There was one other time when I became publicly emotoinal over Kyle. I was singing at my chruch, and it wasn't even a song for Kyle, but I mentioned that he was going off to college and how I was realizing how grown up he had become without my involvement (since I was in college far away). I started crying and couldn't even speak I was so overtaken with emotion. I barely made it through my song that day.
I'm afraid May 28th, sunny and hot, would prove to be similar in my emotional stamina.
I was the first bridesmaid down the aisle. I walked toward my brother in his tuxedo, the Blue Ridge mountains where we grew up at his back, with the sun well on its decent towards them. I looked at his face and saw the traces of the boy I had shared my life with. But as much as it was him, it also wasn't. I was walking towards a man, ready to become a husband. That eager anticipation of his bride was etched into his features. He was still Kyle, playmate and companion. But even if he ever had, he no longer belonged to me. He was passing into an adventure that I could not accompany him on. He was beginning his own family, and in that he was become more than brother, son and friend. He was becoming husband, the same name Christ gives himself in relation to us, his bride. And that was who I recognized in my brother's face as I walked down the aisle towards him. Despite my efforts to smile calmly and be relaxed before I had to sing, my face crumpled and my mascara ran. But Kyle wasn't looking at me anyway. He had eyes for one girl that day.
She wore an equisite designer gown and long veil, and carried a bouquet of purple, orange, red, yellow and green flowers. She was escorted by her former marine father who wore black patent converse. Her hair was an elaborate up-do that finished off the feminine and and elegant ensemble. She walked in to the song "Kingdom of Love" from the movie "One Night with the King". Tears were streaming down her face as well. But I watched my little brother- on his face written all the emotion that poured out of his heart.
The ceremony was beautiful. I made it through my song. After we exited, I found myself unable to stop crying for quite a few minutes. I don't know what hit me...I guess I never really prepared myself for the moment when my own sibling would "leave and cleave".
But that moment had come and gone and I was still quite a mess. I was quite sure I had regained control of my emotions until the mother-son dance occured. My dad came and stood by me with his arm wrapped around me. My mom looked young, vibrant, beautiful and healthy as she smiled. She was so relaxed, I'm still in disbelief. Kyle eased her around the floor to "Over the Rainbow" while I wept against my dad. Then Brittany danced with her father to "I Loved Her First." Talk about a tear jerker.
But then the music started and the party turned up, finally. I could handle myself with the emotions. Dancing was just the cure I needed. Kyle being the first Brooks wedding, it was all the cousin's first chance to break it down together! We had a blast.
At my favorite point of the night, Kyle sat his bride down in a chair in the center and had a baisen with water brought to her and set at her feet. He read the scripture where Jesus washed his disciples' feet, and then he washed hers. So much symbolism at this wedding. Not good for the already raw emotions.
They drove away to a fabulously decorated car and we drove home with lots of flowers and cake :)
I drove home with my cousin Catherine, and it was one of my favorite times all weekend. We were able to talk about life, and the precariousness of it. She commented on the wedding in general and said that even though many of us had misgivings about Kyle and Brittany getting married so young, no one who was in attendance at that wedding would have denied that it was perfect in God's will and timing for them to be married May 28th, 2011. I thought that a very poingnant observation. She spoke truth.
We talked of God and what it means to reconcile ourselves to His plan when we hate it with everything in us. Its easy to be in agreement with God's plan when its a wedding. Its another issue entirely when its a death of someone you love....a dear cousin, or a brother. A pain as dark as that does not recede even for the most joyous occasions. And so it was that Cath and I cried for the precious life we loss even as we wept for the bride that we gained.
And so God's plan prevails, for better or for worse it would seem. Before you disregard me completely for my poor theology, allow me one more thought. Yes, in my life, it would seem that God's will prevails for better or for worse in my eyes. There is no for worse in the kingdom of God for those who believe. But there is a for richer or poorer, and in sickness and in health. For as long as I shall live...which in my case, is eternity. Perhaps my theology is a bit screwed up as I seek to make sense of tragedy. But if I don't get it right now, I have all eternity to figure it out, because thats how much Grace I have been given.
So in the continuing theme of weddings, we may not know God's will for our lives specifically. But maybe thats the point. A wife and a husband joined together have no guarantees besides difficulty and trial. So the Bride of Christ has no guarantee except for what scripture affords (which is extensive indeed, don't get me wrong). By guarantee, I mean guarantee of "good" or of "happiness". But they take those vows, and agree to endure in the face of either extreme posed.
I guess Jesus already made his vows to me when he hung on the cross, and then sat enthroned in Heaven. When I accepted him I suppose I said "I do". But like the many grooms and brides I've known, those words become real all too soon.
I don't regret my similar words to Jesus when I offered him my life. But I never would have guessed that even in relationship with the Holy of Holies, I could still feel such turmoil and difficulty. I confess that sometimes my anger at "God's will" is so strong it threatens to overpower me. But every night, and every dark moment, and every dawn, its Him I run back to. There's no way out for me, thank God. I'm a hopeless wreck without Him.
I don't know what His will is. But I know Him. And right now, thats enough.
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