More

There are quite a few things I would love to have more of. Time, for one. Money, for another. We think life would be easier if only those two things increased for us. But we all know that's not true.

I discovered something this week. I can honestly say that for the first time, I truly want more of GOD. I realized it when I realized that I don't know that I God loves me personally. Now of course I know in my head, but I feel that I lack the conviction in my heart that the one true God of the universe explicitly cherishes me. Besides the rote answers that every Christian can give on how they know God loves them, I couldn't think of a specific example.  This may sound very wrong to you. But try to think through a very subjective filter and you may be able to understand my processing.

I've never doubted the existence of God. I can honestly say that I've never had a moment where I hated God. I've thrown every other emotion in his face, however, and I haven't been blasted to smitherines. I never hated God because I had a very healthy fear of the wrath of God. God was always real to me, perfectly real in fact. Therefore his wrath was real as well. I knew what he was capable of because of my understanding of the Old Testament. And for some reason, the negative is what my mind always takes away from those stories. I struggle with reconciling God's mercy with many of the stories in the OT.

Thus I learned to view God that way in my life: I deserve his wrath and judgement, he doles it out, I have to suck it up and press on. I won't say whether this view was wrong or right, because for the majority of my life this is how I thought. God is just, therefore I respond humbly. And that is correct. But I always thought that there had to be more to it than that. All I've ever known is how to be dealt difficult things, only to view them as "growing" or "challenging" times that are meant to "refine" me.   My amazing roomate and dear friend Danielle would always talk about the Father's love and how he wants to give me good gifts. That always sounded foreign to me. I figured she must be talking about a part of God I never thought existed because I didn't know that part.

I won't go into heavy detail on where I am coming from lest you consider me a mere deist. Suffice it to say I feel now that in my life I have put God in a box and then desperately sought to release him from it, only to discover now that he was never in my box nor was searching required.

I cannot tell you that I feel I have "found" him necessarily. Those terms are arbitrary when you talk about God. I guess it makes the most sense to say that I've come to the conclusion that my conclusions about God are ridiculous to say the least. I don't have the faintest idea of who or what he is.

But hear me when I say that I ache to know. I long to know. For the first time Psalms 42:1 makes sense to me. "As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you O God." I can't explain it to you, but I cried when I realized that I didn't know God, but only a lot about him. My whole being is like an empty cup waiting for immersion in the liquid that gives it purpose. I want to be full. I want to experience what it is to be filled to overflowing!

I want more of God. I want so so much more of God. I want to hear His voice- both coming from Him and coming from others. I want to discern the movements and work of His spirit. I want to speak in his language, in tongues. I want to dream Him dreams and see His visions. I want to encourage His people and see them experience Him they way I long to. They way I dream of experiencing him.

Lamentations 3:24 ""I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will WAIT for him.”

This is my mantra now. This is my prayer. Don't hold back Lord. Let loose. Set my spirit free!