Being violated, and envious

So if you read my last blog post, you saw how I was experiencing gratitude to God for finding me a cheap house in Wheaton to live in. Well, turns out that whole thing was a scam. Pretty pathetic when I go back and read my last post now...haha. Oh well. I didn't lose any money, so praise the Lord for being faithful to me EVEN when I was naive!

Getting scammed isn't a very good feeling. Its this helpless angst that you can't defend yourself from or against. I did not enjoy the feeling. Its the same feeling you have if you have ever had your car broken in to. My car was broken into about 2 months ago. Surprisingly they didn't take the GPS or ipass. They trashed it pretty good though, broke my glove compartment so that now its permanently open and totally ghetto-fied my already pretty ghetto car. Fortuanetly I don't lock my car because it is a softtop convertible, so they didn't have to break in, and they didn't even steal that I know of. But its this feeling like you have been violated, and you can't retaliate or seek justice. I also had my bike stolen July 4th. Again, being taken advantage of is not pleasant.

Today in church we learned about Envy. Wow is that not an American sin or what? My pastor told us this new word that people are saying about americans: comparinoia. Comparison to others on a paranoid level. We all want what others have, or we struggle to rejoice when others rejoice.  He referred to a writer who pointed out that of all the deadliest sins, envy is the only one that doesn't make anyone feel good. No one ever enjoys this sin. Its like a disease that eats away at your joy, contentedness and gratitude. Literally it makes the soul sick.
Envy, like so many of the deady sins, is so easily ignored.  Think about it: how often have you repented of envy?
I think I may struggle with envy more than most, being on the low end of the financial totem pole. I haven't let it go so far as to fuel my career choices or decisions, but it sure can rise to the level of anger and wrath if I let it. I've never driven a car newer than a 1995 (which makes all my cars over 15 years old). And I (or my dad) never paid over $2500 for a single one of them (not including all the money put in to them to keep them running). I am known by at least 3 auto shops in the Wheaton area because my cars are there so often. I've never had both A/C and heat except in the Land Rover I had for two years. Quite honestly I'm afraid to drive my roommates and friend's cars because I don't even know how to get them started these days with those push button starters. This picture is what the thermostat on the INSIDE of my car would tell me everyday on the way to work this summer.

And yet, having old cars that run only when you kiss the hood and tap your heels three times while singing "La Bamba" has taught me how to be grateful. When my car starts in the morning as I go to work, I promise you, I say "Thank you LORD!" and I feel so happy! The simple thing of transportation is such a huge blessing in my life. Yes it is an area that could elicit much humiliation and embarassment, but only if I give in to my envious tendancies and let it fester and make me ungrateful for what I have. My '95 car that is finicky in cold weather and sometimes doesn't start for no reason is my "manna". It supplies what I need in that moment ( Lord willing). Just like the Lord supplied the Israelites with a divine loaf that contained all necessary nutrients in the "manna", so the Lord provides our needs. They just might not be what we think we need, and especially not what we want.
I want a newer car. I want a kindle. I want a nice camera. I want a horse. I want to be able to fly home whenever I get homesick. I want to be able to give others out of my abundance, instead of being the person who is blessed all the time by other people's wealth and generosity. I don't like getting stressed out before the next paycheck. I want to have a career that I don't feel ashamed to claim when I go back to Wheaton and see former classmates.
Whenever I take Cora to the dog park I get jealous of how obedient other people's dogs are. It breeds resentment quickly towards Cora. But I have to remember how much joy she brings me.
Do you see how easily this destroys our joy? When that envy becomes a focus, it truly feels like a horrible disease we can't get over. But there is an anitbiotic! Praise the King of Kings for grace that covers all my comparinoia. Lord, let me be in this world but not of it. Show me what that looks like. I will continue to drive my car, and learn to be grateful (just get me to work on time!!).