Bad days

In all of my efforts to handle everything life throws at me with poise and tranquility, I often fail. As in, epic fails.
For some reason I've had some exceptionally bad days this month, kind of like Alexander and his awful day.

Did you read this book as a child, or read it to someone else? Its a cute book about a boy who has, obviously, a less than desirable day. Everything goes wrong from the moment he wakes up to the moment his head hits the pillow that night.

I've had a couple doozies myself lately. The kind where you are cruising along with your plans and activities and suddenly something comes (seemingly) out of nowhere and the next thing you know you are crying to a bank teller and ordering a large Zaxby's banana pudding milkshake.

Maybe the same things happen to you as they do to me in those moments, during those days of inexcusable caloric intake and emotional derailing. At first I feel shocked when things go wrong. I plan ahead, I'm careful, I make lists, I get to the departure gate on time, I communicate well with people. But sometimes bad things happen anyway, to good and not-so-good people.

Like getting stranded overnight in airports twice in the span of a week, or realizing you budgeted out your month wrong, or coming up short on bills, or feeling like a failure, or realizing that sometimes you really are alone, or being hurt by friends, or even the lies of debilitating self-loathing.

I screwed up some things, and then some things out of my control messed me up pretty good as well. I felt like the cartoon characters who get punched so many times they start seeing stars and birdies.
I felt miserable, hurt, worthless, angry, and all those other un-lovely emotions.

It was like my heart went into auto-pilot in self-defense, immediately barring down the doors to "protect" me. And in the middle of it I could feel my spirit pulling me, straining, groping for Truth. For Hope. The God-fearing, Jesus-loving part of me pushed back against those doors, willing them to stay open, to stay vulnerable. Those bad days I was at constant war with myself. I wanted to give in to self-pity so badly I could taste it in every sip of my Zaxby's milkshake. But my spirit wouldn't allow it. It claimed Truths I wanted to ignore. It reminded me of promises I so easily forgot. It sang songs of hope even though my voice was raw with emotion. It persevered when I felt like giving up.

The thing that defined those days for me wasn't necessarily how bad they were (and they were bad), but by how much of a battle I was in between my Flesh and my Spirit. It was real. And I fought hard to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.

I slipped heavily, and fell hard, as I always do. But I thanked Him still. I had to, because I knew He was with me throughout it all. And whether I chose to believe his promises or not, they were still true.

He is my provider. He is my solace. He is my protector. He is my defender. He loves me.

He loves me.

He loves me.

His mercies are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness!

I hope and pray that next time you have a bad day, you remember those facts sooner and more easily than I did!

Chivalry is not dead!

Chivalry is a medieval concept or "code of conduct" in reference to the institution of knighthood from the Middle Ages. It involves honor, gallantry, and service to others as well as personal disciple and duty. Knights had to be strong and fierce, but also kind and gentle. Thus the phrase "a knight in shining armor". 

Chivalry is not dead. However, there seems to be a great lack of "knights", and a great many lack of "ladies".  Unfortunately feminists objected to the concept of chivalry, and when an ideal is no longer upheld as sacred or simply important, we end up with the society we know today. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not the type of girl to sit around the castle and wait for my knight to return from battle. I'm the kind to get on my own horse ready to fight alongside. I'm not a Sleeping Beauty kind of girl. I'm a Mulan or Merida (from Brave) kind of girl. But that doesn't mean I can't support chivalry. 

If we (females) start acting like real women, then maybe men will start acting like real men. So here are some tips on how to navigate through the (sometimes awkward since we aren't accustomed to it) acts of chivalry:

If you are a guy who for some reason doesn't want to perform these acts for your peers, do them for your mom/sisters/female relatives. BE THAT GUY!

It doesn't matter who the lady is. Be a gentleman and no matter the circumstances, and a true lady will rise to the occasion of being one!

Support your Local Chivalry: It's not flirting, it is basic respect and courtesy to a female no matter the personal interest you may have in her.

• Holding doors:
• GUYS: Ok this may be the most basic one in the book. But it will never go out of style. ALWAYS let the ladies in first. If a girl gets to the door first and holds it, take the door from her and let her go in before you.
• GIRLS: If you are walking in to a door with a guy, let him ahead of you. As a fast walker myself, I have to consciously remind myself to slow down at the door. You aren't being a brat by allowing him the opportunity to open the door. You are being a lady.

And keep this in mind: 

• Walking on the sidewalk:
• GUYS: You should always walk on the street side of the sidewalk/road/path. By taking the outer edge, you are hemming the female in. Its a protective gesture that says "You are safe with me." If she is walking on the outside, gently guide her in and take that spot. 
• GIRLS: If the guy is clueless, I'm afraid I have no advice for you. Don't make things awkward by bringing it up. Unfortunately this isn't a common chivalrous act anymore. So don't take offense.
• Paying for the bill:
• GUYS: This can be an interesting one. If you are out with a bunch of friends, don't feel the need to cover someone's tab simply because she is female. Unless she is there with you specifically, you may make things awkward if there isn't an expectation there that you will cover it. But if you are out with her whether intentionally or not, and you want to do a nice act, pay for her coffee/movie ticket/meal. I was once out with some of my engaged friends. We were out enjoying drinks and dessert. I fully intended to pay for my items. But when the waitress came, he secretly told her it was all on his tab, and covered the meal. I can't begin to tell you how blessed and impressed I was. He had no motive besides doing a kind favor for me. And he got major man points in my book.
• GIRLS: Be prepared to cover your tab. If he offers to cover it, graciously allow him to. And thank him more than once. Make him feel appreciated, and show your gratitude.
• Open the car door:
• GUYS: This seems unnecessary doesn't it? It does to girls to. But then, so do most things on the list of chivalry. Basically if you don't do this, no one will even think twice about it. But if you DO do this, they won't forget it.
• GIRLS: Let him do it. And thank him. But don't over-analyze and think he's doing it just for you. 

• Give her your seat:
• GUYS: Always give a lady your seat. If she is female, breathing, and in need of a place to sit down, give her your spot. If you don't have a spot to give her, request a fellow member of your sex to allow the lady to sit in his seat. You will forever be a hero.
• GIRLS: Accept the seat. Don't refuse them. You don't look independent by toughing it out and standing. You look like a stuck-up brat. Believe me, I've done this...the wrong way.
• Help her in or out of her coat:

• GUYS: If she is wearing some type of heavier outer garment that requires removal at any point, help her out of it. And find a place to hang it or stow it for safe-keeping (find a coat rack/hanger/whatever).
• GIRLS: Allow him to help you. And if you have hat, scarf, gloves, or anything else, let him take those too.
• Lead-- Go first:

• GUYS: Be the first to walk across a street or crosswalk. Be the first to navigate puddles. Find a seat in the movie theater and let her in first so you are on the outside. When walking through a crowd, go first and make a path for her. When in a crowd, never turn your back to her completely. 
• GIRLS: If he does it, let him. And thank him. Don't protest his seat choice, or the route he chooses to take. Let him lead. Keep your mouth shut.
• Carry her stuff: 
• GUYS: I don't think you need to offer to carry her purse, but anything else should be safe. (Extra bag, coat, backpack, dishes, etc)
• GIRLS:  If you are feeling very labored down with carrying things, I think its safe to ask for help. Even if they sometimes don't offer to help, most guys are more than willing to lend a hand. And enjoy doing it.
• Give her yours:
• GUYS: Do you have a coat/sweater/anything and she doesn't? Give her yours. Do you have a drink or food that she may enjoy? Offer it. Does she maybe need a ride? Give her one. 
• GIRLS: Accept what is offered. Say thank you.

• Walk her to her car:

• GUYS: Even if her car is 5 blocks in the opposite direction from yours, or if it is right next to yours, walk her to her car. If there are multiple females in your company, ask them to go with you to each car until everyone is safely in their vehicle. Even if she has pepper spray and took self-defense. It isn't an evaluation of her ability to defend herself  but an accurate evaluation of the world we live in. And take it a step further: wait with her until her car successfully starts! 
• GIRLS: If a guy does this, you should be so appreciative. I don't care how tough you are. I'm a 6'0 tall athlete who isn't afraid of much, and I still want a guy to walk me to my car. I had a friend's boyfriend walk me to my car once, and I felt so safe!

• Don't do it to get anything back!

• GUYS: Your motive is this: honor and respect for others and yourself. Nothing more.
• GIRLS: Don't over-analyze it. Let him be a gentleman without any strings attached.

So in closing, whether male or female, support your local chivalry!

 How have you been blessed by a chivalrous act?
What would you suggest as an addition to this list?
Do females have more responsibility in it than may be presumed?

Tell me about it!

When my heart fails...

I've been heartsick lately. 

Meyers-Briggs can't decide if I'm a Feeler or a Thinker. It changes its mind each time I take the test because I'm both. Not always a great combination when you are heartsick. You wear yourself out by doing nothing but going around in your head. That's why I'm a verbal processor. Its safer for my health. 

I know a lot of people who are heartsick simply from the fear of the unknown. Fear= False Evidence Appears Real. But catchy little phrases don't really do much for me in the throng of the emotion.

So where do we go? Why are we surprised again, at how hard life is? Didn't Jesus say it would be this way, and that, oh by the way, He'd already dealt with it (John 16:33)? 

Sometimes my little, weak, sickly heart just doesn't get it. So I have to remind myself. Again. And again. And discipline my thoughts to bend towards TRUTH and TRUST. And as we all know, it is oh so hard.

Psalm 73:26

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Your heart is the strongest muscle in your body. An average heart pumps around 1,900 gallons of blood each day. That is a very strong heart. 

Your skin (flesh) is the largest organ in (or on) your body. Your skin has so many roles- insulation, sensation, prevention of water loss, and synthesis of vitamin D. Suffice it to say, without your heart or skin, you wouldn't live very long...at all. They are essential to life. 

So what if your heart and skin did fail? You would die. 

But God is the strength of my heart. Simply speaking, God trumps death (and everything it represents). Every time. 

Sometimes my heart doesn't feel strong at all. It feels lonely, or worried, or upset, or overwhelmed, or guilty, or fractured. Usually because I'm not letting God be my strength...I'm trying to be my own strength.

Proverbs 13:12

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

Have you ever wanted, hoped for, wished for, prayed for something so hard or for so long that you grew sick over it? We all have, no doubt. Weary and discouraged, that's how we feel.

A sick and failing heart? Recipe for disaster. 

So what is the remedy?

Defense. We're under attack.

John 10:10

The thief comes only to steal (your joy/hope/peace) and kill (your faith/trust) and destroy (your freedom/love); I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

LIFE. Beautiful, messy, ridiculous, hard, ugly, incredible, eternity-effecting, not-even-coffee-helps LIFE.

Psalm 27:1

The Lord is my light and my salvation;

Whom shall I fear?

The Lord is the strength of my life;

Of whom shall I be afraid?

How will He do it? How does He do it? How will I know when He's done it?

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

It is so straightforward. Its not a method, its a discipline. It's obedience. And it's not easy. 

And yet I grow so weary of patience. 

Psalm 27:14

Wait on the Lord;

Be of good courage,

And He shall strengthen your heart;

Wait, I say, on the Lord!

Take heart. He has overcome the world. 

Take heart. LIFE. Strength. And see your longing fulfilled. 

I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

Because I already have.

A Christmas Poem by my Grandmother

A Christmas Meditation by Patricia Brooks

No lights twinkled merrily there,
On God's great Christmas tree,
As thick, damp, dark,
A noonday shroud enveloped Calvary.
No glittering ornaments danced
Through a showering tinsel flood,
When sin's file weight crushed God's own son,
As He paid its price: His blood.

No angel or star crowned the wood where hung this One few choose,
But man's last jeer, a sign that read: "This is Jesus, the King of the Jews."
No carols were sung on that day; men spat at Him, unconcerned,
And gambled there, as the Lamb of God bore the hell their lives had earned.

How little we all seem to care, as in His name, we sing
Of manger scenes, and wise men, droll, when God gave us The King!
A king with a crown of thorns, who died in agony, shame,
A criminal death, who knew no sin, this king is the One we name!

He cried on the cross, "It is finished!" Salvation paid in full!
Now Adam's kind has been bought back by Him who made us all.
But death could never hold Him, and when He rose again,
All who knew Him saw him there, alive forever, then!

How far from the manger to Calv'ry have we in our hearts, trod?
From Bethlehem, there's one short step to Golgotha, with our God!
Has your heart ever been a Bethlehem? Has Christ been born in you?
"For God so loved, He gave His Son," and what, with Him, will you do?

Oh what will you do with Jesus?
Will ears be deaf, mouth dumb?
As His voice thunders down through the ages,
"Whoever will may come!"

The Epic Everyday

I gave a speech at my high school graduation ceremony in 2007 that began like this:

"I want to save the world. I want to be a hero. I want a life like those in the movies and fairy tale stories. I want to be swept up into grand adventures  daring sword fights  and breathtaking landscapes. I crave the passionate pursuit, the magnificent journey, and the victorious conclusion."

I was very dramatic in the delivery of the speech. It is actually quite embarrassing how much so. But that isn't the point: the point is that I craved adventure then, and I crave it now. But I've realized that the life I articulated in my speech is one that I am having even now. Minus the sword fights.

I went on in my speech to say that life with Jesus at the center is by definition adventurous. The difference between real life, and fairy tale life is that we don't see the unglamorous,boring parts of the journey in the movies. And thus we doubt that life can be magical.

I've been told I am a hopeless romantic and an idealist. I think life has tamed me quite a bit, but I'm happy to say that I have not relinquished faith in true life happily ever afters...and everything in between. Truly, there are not always happily ever afters unless you know True Love in Jesus.

But I'm talking about the little things here...hair blowing in the wind, dressing up for no reason, being bold and daring when no one is watching, singing to the birds, smiling at strangers, and driving on back roads like you're in a car chase scene.

Why can't we live like we ARE in the movies? Add a little drama and flavor? Not the soap opera kind....the Disney kind. The “if my life were a reality show, everyone would watch it” kind. Again, not the Jersey Shone kind.

One of my best friends loves to remind me to “live free”. To live bold and daring and risky. This friend and I were talking recently about the transitory nature of life, and how we would live if we only had 10 more years on earth. I was startled to find that my “plans” would drastically change. I wouldn't pursue the American Dream if I only had 10 more years. I would pursue people. I would pursue travel. I would dance every chance I got and wear high heels a lot more often. I would never hesitate to tell someone how much I loved them. I would be generous with praise and compliments. I would only say no if it was wrong. I would ask a boy out without fear of being forward. I would sing on a street corner for money. I would pray bolder prayers. I would buy a nice camera to document everything.

I would probably spend less on movies, because I would be living in one. I would spend more time listening to people's stories. I would worry less about what people thought of me. I would spend less time thinking about things I can't control. I would spend less time doubting God, and more time expecting His miracles.

So what am I waiting for?

Well, life happens. I suddenly find myself in the sort of story I did not intend, and of which I am not the author. Now what? What's next for the lost heroine?

If my life were a story, if would have been a good one. In 23 years I have done much, seen much, experienced much. I have been the heroine, and I have been the foe. I have been pursued, and I have been lonely. I have had much, and I have had little. In short, I am living my own version of a fairy tale. The ingredient that makes those stories so heart-warming is when the hero overcomes the odds. When the heroine forgives much. When broken hearts are mended. When love triumphs. Its because of the hard, ugly stuff that all the beauty appears perfect.

My life has had a lot of ugly and hard stuff, just like everyone's. But even in the midst of it, I still imagine that I'm still in my fairy tale.

I have a soundtrack playing music in my head as if I were in a movie. Maybe you are like me, and certain songs trigger memories or emotions. Whenever I made the drive from Chicago to NC, I heard the epic music from Braveheart playing as I got my first glimpse of home. When I go on a run, I imagine myself as the lead character of a workout video and the music pumps me up to the challenge. When I get on the road, I think of nostalgic songs of goings and comings. Its why I love holiday music. Emotions for me run through the current of music. Through music I view my world, and it is a magical one.

Don't be afraid to look stupid while you pursue your own fairy tale life. Embrace the ugly. Respect the beautiful. Live life as if you are the lead character in the greatest story ever told. Ride bareback wearing a long flowy dress, and listen to the sweeping orchestral masterpiece that accompanies you. Don't live for the happily ever after. Live for the Once Upon a Time...the beginnings. The in-betweens. And when they aren't as magical as you'd like, do something, anything, to make them more so. Even if it means singing to the forest animals. View yourself through a camera lens instead of a microscope. There is beauty to be found and experienced. He created it for you to enjoy, even during trials.

So today, turn on some music and dance around the house. Smile at your thoughts. Laugh because you can. Praise Him for what he has done and what He IS doing, and what He PLANS to do in you. There is greatness to be had.

Fairy tales are lived in the epic everyday.  

Books and a List

If you ask anyone who knows me they will tell you I love to get lost in a good book. I literally get lost- I leave reality until the book is finished, only to re-enter and live in a brief post-book depression. Maybe you are an avid reader and can relate. What is ironic is that there are few books besides a good fiction novel that hold my attention. Now I don't know if it was me graduating college and suddenly being able to read whatever I wanted, or if it was the lack of constant information influx that I received in college thus producing a void, but I suddenly read many books besides fiction. And whats more, I am on track to finishing them. This is a rare and impressive feat for me. Give me a 600 page novel, and I'll finish it within the week. Give me a 200 page Christian self-help, I might make it to page 50, and then it joins my bookshelf delinquents.  Not so, recently!

I've been reading The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson. Its an incredibly challenging and insightful book on prayer, and what a bold life of faith-drenched prayer looks like. I also just started reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, and no book has hit so close to home as this one. I'm still in the first half of the book, but its fascinating. She tells about her journey from a life of wanting to a life filled with one thousand gifts, and how all that changed was how she viewed thanksgiving, and grace, and the Giver himself. Its exactly what I need to be reading right now. Basically she was dared to write down one thousand things that she was thankful for every day. Now to accomplish that I would need some major discipline. But she talks about how it altered her entire life because her focus was on the gifts, and the Giver instead of the lack or the void.

So today, here's my list.

Today I am thankful for

1. Cereal and vanilla rice milk
2. Waking up to the sun
3. The weird but cool dream from last night
4. Breeze in the trees outside the window
5. the Holy scriptures
6. Bennet and Archer being excited to see me
7. Sadie's morning baby smell
8. little voices talking gibberish to me
9. Baby clothes
10. Friendly park moms
11. Homemade zucchini bread
12. The boys eating (and liking ) my homemade zucchini bread
13. Sadie's smile whenever she sees me
14. Bennet's rare cuddle-mood
15. Archer just wanting to lay in my arms while everyone else naps
16. Talking to Leslie on the phone
17. Hearing that I have a place to stay a little longer
18. Tweets about the Olympics
19. My camelback water bottle
20. the boys waking up happy from naps
21.  Healthy, happy kids
22. Backyard baby pool splashing
23. Chicken salad
24. Sunglasses
25. Baby fingers poking my eyes, nose ring, ears
26. Curiosity, eagerness to learn
27. My mom's children's ministry background
28. 5:00 pm
29. Independence
30. My (Lisa's) mini fridge with a cold drink after work
31. Afternoon sun on the futon
32. Good movies (Transformers)
33. Blueberries
34. Danielle planning our hike
35. Laced sneakers
36. Ipod
37. The tension leaving my body as I run
38. Perfect running weather
39. The prairie path
40. New running shorts swooshing
41. Seeing Kate Z
42. Water over my hot skin
43. Mary Kay products
44. The bath robe Coach E gave me 6 years ago
45. my computer screen
46. Good people
47. Sore feet
48. My phone
49. Yellow nail polish
50. Another day for thankfulness

Pop tarts, and a slap in the face

We take a lot of things for granted in America. Obviously with our Independence Day being celebrated we are all aware of the sacrifices made to pay the price of our freedom. There's a lot of sacrifice that is required to reach a goal, if that goal is anything worth striving for. Taking things for granted in the midst of great sacrifice deserves a slap in the face. But we need that slap. I needed that slap.


I got that slap these last few weeks. It came hard and loud and left a nice red mark that has developed into a somewhat annoyingly repulsive bruise (hypothetically speaking). I took the main American comforts of life for granted, and they have all been removed from my disposal at certain times over the past few weeks. I won't go into the details, but things like good cars, A/C, wireless internet, a kitchen to cook in, and a bathroom to use are all luxury to me now. My bank account was severely depleted after a period of time unemployed, and I have found myself living a much simpler life than of even a month ago.
For example, on my return to Wheaton June 24th, I had no way to keep perishable food in my room. Therefore I bought a box of Pop Tarts at the Dollar Store to be my breakfast for the week. I made it last as I found myself learning life without the usual comforts. I don't particularly like Pop Tarts, but it was really all I had. To be blunt, the course of my life of late has taken some interesting turns and I find myself on the wanting side. I have found myself (character) wanting in many areas, even as I have found my situation wanting. 


I was reminded of a saying that has never been more true in my life. It goes "Never complain. Things can always get worse." And I found this to be quite true. After a difficult week trying to process my life and the course it is on, a huge storm ravaged all of my county, leaving over a quarter of a million people without power for over 3 days. (I and the family I live with are still currently without power on this day 4). It seemed things only got worse. However, I have found something to be even truer than all of this.

Philippians 4:11-13

 ... for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹² I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

I read that a few days ago and it was like the Holy Spirit gently, but firmly, slapped me across the face. And I deserved it. Here I was reading Paul tell people in Philippi all about his trials, and then go on to say that. Read it again:

Philippians 4:11-13

 ... for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹² I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Just two chapters earlier in Philippians 2, we read this:

¹² Therefore...continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, ¹³ for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.

¹⁴ Do everything without grumbling or complaining, ¹⁵ so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.”^[c] Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky ¹⁶ as you hold firmly to the word of life.

So even as I battle discouragement physically, spiritually, financially, emotionally and mentally, I am reminded of these verses and the veracity therein. I pray that my life may be a battle standard of these verses. That I will wave my contentment and gratitude high and learn that I should not complain. And I hope you learn the same, even if it means you have to go without the comforts you are used to and sacrifice a little more than you would prefer.  Because even when things seem really bad, we can do all things through Him who gives us strength....and a healthy slap...and pop tarts.